moving on

I'm moving on, new year, new blog. Let's hope I can keep this one up.

So if there's any readers out there..

colormedisaster.blogspot.com

Nothing?

I keep trying to write & I just can't. Even now, I'm sitting here staring at the blank screen with nothing going from my brain to my fingers. I want to write, so badly, & I just can't every time I sit down. & then I'll be driving in the car & everything comes into my head. Too bad I can't pull over & just start writing. I'm stressed, I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick, & all I want to do is WRITE. I have nothing else to say. Drawing a blank. This week is just not working out for me.

I Want To Write A Book.

I want to write a book. I want to be so passionate about one idea that I can sit down at the computer & write my heart away until it is done. & then I want to have it published & see it on the New York Time's Best-Seller List's & go to Borders & find it on the shelf & buy it. I have never wanted anything so much. I love, love, love writing. But I give up after a few pages. I need to stop giving up on things, especially that. One day I'll write a book, & everyone will buy it. It will make them laugh, cry, become best friends with the characters. It will sit on shelves & it will be read a billion times & it will be the greatest thing ever. That's what I want out of my life. & after that happens, I want to buy a big house on the beach where I can wake up in the morning & smell the ocean, where Joey & I can sit on the deck, snuggle under a big blanket & watch Madison play on the beach all day long. & I want to do it before I'm twenty five. Nothing, & I mean NOTHING would make me happier.

I retract that last statement. A Starbucks in my kitchen & an unlimited supply of Harry & David truffles would make it slightly more enjoyable. ;)

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Brownish Green Female Sheep.

I woke up this morning wishing I had a bicycle. I'm never (& never will be) a fan of exercising in any form, but when I was younger my Dad & I would spend the weekend riding our bikes around, doing everything. It was a necessity, he didn't have his license most of the time, but we had fun. We would ride to breakfast, ride around for the morning, find somewhere to eat lunch & ride home to cook spaghetti in the evening. It was the most fun I had back then. After he went to prison, I put my bicycle in the garage & never touched it again. It was a big mistake on my part, because when we were riding my mind would be totally clear, something that most definitely would've come in handy later in life. So my new idea, get a bicycle & a trailer thing for Madison. Will it happen? Probably not anytime soon, but maybe... only time (& my motivation) will tell.

The best stress relief? The beach, loud music & dark chocolate.
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Obsession Of The Week.

I'm excited for my second Obsession Of The Week! I'm trying to keep it general, but this is another beauty item. I've been seeing commercials for the new Lo'Real Go 360° Clean & I finally got around to buying it. Can I just say, I think I'm in love! My face has never felt cleaner. It comes with a little Scrublet that pops in & out of the bottle for storage that gives you a super deep clean feel. It was $5.99 & comes in a variety of cleaners (you can see them all at the Lo'Real website). I was set on getting the $14.99 Neutrogena Wave for a deep clean feeling, but I think I will stick with the Go 360° Clean.

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Also, I have a cute new obsession with polka dots, & have my eye on a cute little green & white wallet... gives me a good idea for next week! ;)

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BeCause We Said So... About Love.

My amazing friend Bridget & I have dreams of a talk show, radio show, anything, where we get to do what we do best, be us. It would be called "BeCause We said So." But we're limited to BBMing, unfortunately, so maybe I'll make this a feature here on Dollar Thoughts? Who knows. It would be a hit show though!

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C: She wants a fairytale romance with butterflies & pink stuff & she doesn't get that I'm happy with rough sex, Eminem as our song & being spoiled. I'm not big on romance & all that gooshy stuff. She doesn't get it.

B: That other stuff doesn't exist. Relationships are tough sometimes, & they're hectic & make you want to scream, but that's what takes you from one happy snapshot to the next.

C: How awful would it be if everything was all frilly & gooey? No thanks.

B: OMG, I'd want to SCREAM.

C: If I don't get the urge to throw something at Joey once a week, I'm not happy.

B: Same. I love that my relationship doesn't fit into a box, it's mine & Will's, & no one else's.

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So Over It.

I'm sitting on the line between sane & breakdown. I am beyond sick of hearing what everyone else thinks of my life, although I reluctantly agree that I set myself up for it again & again. I've spent so much of my life in a total state of confusion that I've come to rely on what other people think. It's a big flaw, I know. But I know other things, also. I know that where I am in my life isn't ideal, but there's not much I can do about it at the moment & I have to hold out for the good things in life. I have a wonderful husband & we are quite literally crazy in love. It may not look like a perfect relationship, & it's not because really, can anything be perfect? But it works for us. We love each other & at the end of the day, there's nobody I'd rather cuddle up with. There's nothing better than love, & I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything. He lets his job be his life because he wants to achieve everything, & I admire that about him. He makes mistakes, just like anybody else, but at least he owns up to it. We have a gorgeous, smart & talented toddler, who has become that way because we both love her to the ends of the world. She's brilliant, everyone has always been amazed at how smart she is. She's never been in day care, & I wouldn't have it any other way. I love staying home with her, & I am going to keep it that way as long as I can because we will never have another child & I want to cherish this time with her before she gets old enough to decide she doesn't like us. She gets older every day, school is not going anywhere. It will still be here when I'm ready for it. Sure, my life may not be how you would want it to be if you were me, & sometimes I really can't stand all the things I don't have yet, but take a look at me in five years, I can guarantee one hundred & fifty percent that I will be exactly where I want to be in life, & people will be jealous of me. I've spent too long thinking I'm not good enough, & guess what, now I have a list a mile long of people I'm better than, & I don't have a problem with that. Want to call me conceited or cocky? Go ahead. I'm done caring. I appreciate that everyone cares enough to worry about me, but this is my life & I know damn well what I'm doing with it.

Life is what you make it. Your life is yours, not someone else's.

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